I bought an expensive bathing suit, and because it felt so fancy~schmancy, I asked Favorite Daughter to take pics of me in it. Looking over the photos, I find it validating that Favorite Daughter captured how healthy I feel.

I like my new bathing suit, but more than anything, I love this extraordinary time in my life where I’m happy, and healthy, and well, and loved. My “Mari tank” is filled with things that make me proud.

There are many things I’ve done to get to where I am today. One of the greatest ideas I had, when I was at my lowest, was to do thing, after thing, after thing, that made ME proud.

In order to get to this life I love so much, I became discerning about things I did that made me unhappy. I quit doing things I didn’t want to do, or things I felt I was doing for the wrong reasons: I am honest with myself about my reasons for doing things and vigilant about not doing anything to win anyone over. I never accept invitations or agree to do things I don’t feel are right for me, or for my family.

Another big step, for a feisty girl like me, was learning the grace to not accept invitations to argue with others. We don’t have to show up to every fight we’re invited to. We can simply RSVP with “REGRETS, sorry, not available.” #sorrynotsorry

Our society is changing age old paradigms; we’re finally realizing that old recovery programs designed for privileged narcissistic white males (to bring them down a notch, to humble them, to render them powerless) is not what a woman—especially a Latina like me—nor what most people without privilege, need.

We don’t need to be brought down; we don’t need to be told we’re powerless. It’s exactly that feeling of powerlessness that has overwhelmed us.

Many of us have been beaten down, which has led us to lives we feel the need to escape, and self-medicate from.

We need to be built up.

From the rock bottom ground up.

Then create lives full of who. we. really. are. Lives, we never EVER need to escape from.

Because who you really are, at your core, is not someone you need to leave or escape.

And we need to accept that anyone—no matter how much we love them, or think we can’t live a day without—who wants to ”humble” us, projects that we’re “too much,” or “not enough”, or acts like kryptonite to us, has no place in our newly forming lives.

Only then, can we begin addressing the diet, the exercise program, getting off the couch, getting off the carbs, not needing a glass of wine—or cocktail—every. single. night. Or the need to chase material things to fill deep empty wells, and why we chase people who don’t have the capacity to love us back, and so many false parts of ourselves that only seek to continually break us down.

Let’s stop breaking our own hearts.

If you want to begin the process of building yourself back up, do something that makes you proud; something that requires work and effort. Do this as you deal with that thing you need to give up—sugar, carbs, wine, crazy men, shopping, Keeping Up with The Jones, trying to please insatiable people, or WHATEVER it is that keeps breaking your heart.

Maybe what makes you proud is breaking a sweat on a three-mile walk. Or spending an afternoon with that elderly person and letting them beat you at Scrabble. Or serving food to the homeless. Or helping build something for someone else. Or cleaning that corner of your garage that’s been making you feel like a hoarder.

Whatever it is, using your credit card doesn’t count. Don’t do this step with the intention of impressing another. Impress YOURSELF. Make yourself proud. You must expend physical energy, and do work that means something to YOU because that will fill your tank with YOU.

I still struggle to work, while sitting at my desk, without a pastry to nibble on when stressful things happen—which is almost every hour when you’re in a responsible position. I could sure use that little dopamine hit, to relax me a bit, to absorb my discomfort. But when I’ve done enough things that make me proud, I have some of me in the tank to draw strength from.

I hope you do something that makes you proud, and that you fill your tank with YOU.

~Mari

#massiveweightloss #girlswholift #fiftyandfabulous #mariperry #lchf #latinasfantasticas

There are only two choices: hard, and hard. That’s it.

If it was Choose Your Easy, it would be done already. And let’s admit it, that would be boring.

We’re well into January, and this is about the point where it gets harder and harder to keep those New Year’s resolutions: to drop some pounds. Get off sugar. Eat clean. Make most meals at home, all healthy. Get off bread. Abstain from alcohol. Go to the gym–five times a week. Run. Yoga. Circuit train. Begin that weight lifting program that “Mari” suggested. For some of you, I know it’s pretty hard right now.

What no one tells us is that motivation and “will power” are limited resources. They’re each sources of energy that often help us get started but when they run out, or it just gets too tough, we can’t count on limited motivation or will-power.

It’s hard to eat the way you decided to. It’s hard dealing with cravings and temptations. It’s hard on rainy days to make the exercise happen. It’s hard to pass up the cocktail, or wine, with friends. It’s hard to plan the menu, by the good food, prep it, cook it and clean it all up.

Being true to yourself is hard.

You know what else is hard?

Giving up on yourself–that’s the hardest! Excuses are hard. Not meeting your goals is hard. Feeling out of shape is hard. Eating in a way that you feel is wrong is hard. The after effects of too much alcohol is hard. Letting time go by and not changing your condition is hard. Buying bigger clothes is hard–that’s super hard.

Letting yourself down is hard.

If motivation has run out, then it’s time for grit and continued resolve. You may be realizing that this is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. And it’s one hard choice after another.

It’s time for love. Time to love your big ole badass self enough: to continue. To push. To endure. To be good to yourself. Because what you want and what you dream for yourself matters.

You matter.

Here are some of my hard won tips:

1. Get used to being uncomfortable. Yep, it’s uncomfortable to exercise regularly and to pass up yummy fatty or sweet food. This is where you have to get over yourself and learn to be in some form of discomfort to make your goals.

2. Buy the good food–the food you decided was on your plan–and eat it first. Have it handy so that when you have a craving for other things, you can tell yourself that if you still want pizza or the lasagne or the burger later, that you’ll consider it after your healthy meal.

3. If you don’t feel motivated to exercise, just lace-up. Then walk out the door. Just start your run, or your gym warm up. Don’t think further than just that moment. I can’t tell you how many times I didn’t have the motivation to exercise. Still, I laced up and walked out the door. I’ve now done hundreds of exercise sessions I was NOT motivated to do. You want to know how many of those I regret doing? None. I’ve never once regretted a workout.

4. If your exercise routine is wearing you out then rest. But don’t quit. Which brings me to #5.

5. Recovery is just as important as exercising, especially with intense work. Make sure you’re eating a post recovery meal. That you’re drinking enough water. That you’re eating enough protein. And that your exercise sessions are spaced far enough apart to allow for recovery.

6. If your diet has you lethargic or feeling off, talk to a professional and get some advice on how to tweak your plan. Tweaking is good. Quitting, not so much.

7. Make sure you’re sleeping well and enough. This is as important as nutrition and exercise.

8. Find your tribe in this area of your life. I watched my friend, Babes, join a tribe of fellow runners. She’s been running for forever. I noticed a dramatic change when she found her running tribe. She began to run marathons. The tribe meets up and runs together. They support one another. They run in cute costumes and they even post pics of their early morning runs celebrating each other’s birthdays. Her tribe inspired me to find and create my tribe of like-minded athletes and healthy eaters. Finding my version of my tribe has helped me to have support and encouragement, and even a little bit of cheer-leading.

9. Get tougher. Sometimes when the going gets hard, you just have to be tougher than any resistance you are feeling. Be stronger than the push against you. Tap into your grit.

10. It’s normal to want to give up, or not feel motivated. Everyone feels that way. Just take it one day at a time. One lace-up at a time.

11. Once you form better eating and exercise habits, it begins to feel easier to live your life in this higher plane.

12. Be kind to yourself. If you went off plan, don’t beat yourself up. Forgive yourself quickly. Makr your next meal on plan. If you missed a workout, just pick up your game in your next session. Don’t get crazy and decide that because you went off plan at dinner, you’re going to restart the following Monday. This could turn into much longer. I encourage you to make your very next meal on plan.

13. Forget about perfection! Progress is made by being consistent. Let’s say you decided to workout five times a week, that’s 210 times in a year. But since you’re not perfect, you laced up 175 times this year. I promise, it will still be a huge win! Same goes with your healthy meals. If you eat healthy 90% of the year, I bet that’s a lot better than last year.

Choose Your Hard.

Forget perfection.

Love yourself like a badass.

You are so worth it.

~Mari

 

How I Busted Through That…

Diets Don’t Work Because They’re NOT Sustainable
I want to tell you why–in the long run–diets don’t work. Over 90% of weight lost is regained within eighteen months. In many cases, more weight is put on than was originally lost. It’s discouraging.

The downward and unsatisfying cycle of dieting goes something like this: put yourself on a strict diet. Be disciplined about it. Lose weight. Go off the diet. Eat everything you’d forbidden yourself to, then hate yourself when you get on the scale. You brace yourself to prepare to diet again. Procrastinate the diet because you feel disconnected and hate your life when dieting. More weight creeps up. Because of an upcoming event, you need to lose more weight in less time. You start thinking of maybe having your meals purchased all freeze dried, or maybe some hormonal injections are in order because you REALLY REALLY need to be strict now. The obsession and negative self-talk is at a full roar.

Cray. Cray!

Diets, lists of “bad foods” you’re not allowed eat, and deprivations, don’t work in the long run. Why? Because living this way is not sustainable. It’s probably a good thing because whenever I’ve gone on a strict diet my sweet temperament has turned to a “hangry” one. I’m not an angry girl–unless I’ve been dieting. I’ve tried all sorts of diets, including two rounds of HCG (a 500 calorie-a-day, hormone injecting diet) and a couple of juice/protein shake fasts. No extreme diet worked in the long run. They actually slowed down my metabolism, messed with my hormones, and made me a bit more cray-cray about food and nutrition. For the sake of the relationships in my life, it’s probably a good thing I can’t sustain a crazy diet.

It’s been five and a half years since I made the significant changes that resulted in my transformation. I didn’t plan to lose 170 pounds. I didn’t make the changes I did with dieting in mind.

I get asked all the time what I did to lose weight? What was the game-changer? What I’m really being asked is what diet did I use.

Toxic Relationships and a Shift in Convictions
My life changed when I decided to walk away from toxic relationships and a toxic tribe that I was suffocating in. I felt like I was the worst version of myself. One day, when enough was enough, I gained clarity about the situation I was in, and without any doubts, I knew that it was time for me to let go.

I didn’t know then that a shift in my convictions would touch off a series of changes that would radiate to every part of my life. You can see in the before picture of me that I didn’t  look healthy and I needed to make some changes.

Some of the manifestations of dealing with toxic people are that you’re upset, disturbed, bitter, defending, out-maneuvering, anticipating, worrying, and dealing with all sorts of negative feelings. These feelings, not only mess with your hormones, your nervous system, your adrenals, and your ability to rest, they take away your inner peace and the deep sense of love for yourself and others.

Letting Go
I had to let go of a lot to find my way back to a real sense of myself again. When I say I let go, it was simply that–I LET GO. I took the high-road. I didn’t engage in a bitter battle of how right I was, or how wronged I’d been. I never asked anyone to take sides. I refused to engage, no matter how tempted I was. I took a friend’s great advice: I ignored utterly any toxic behavior. I simply refused to reinforce toxic behavior by giving it my attention. If you want to get a toxic person to stop using you as a target, simply ignore all efforts to taunt you. Toxic people are addicted to drama and chaos. Disengage. Rise above it. Healthy people will respect you all the more for it.

By letting so much go, I inadvertently let go of bitterness, anger, hate, and resentments. I started to feel wonderment and curiosity. I became interested in my life as if it was a new beginning. This opened me up to the miracle of peace and love, and a feeling of well being.

If I hadn’t taken these actions, I’m not sure I’d still be alive.

When I see people in toxic situations: they have high blood pressure, adrenal problems, elevated cholesterol, ulcers, they’re angry and resentful, they’re combative, they smoke, they drink too much. They look miserable and they don’t age well. Some miss the signs that result in a heart attack, because dealing with toxic people consumes you, and you don’t pay attention and quit listening to your body. Toxic people like to have someone to hate and fight with. This is very wearing on body and soul.

I’m not being melodramatic when I explain how I saved my own life.

Neuropath Ways and Habits
Your life is a mass of habits. Think about how you get up. What are the habits you use to get your day going? Habits form the neuropath ways that your mind uses to get things done, without having to rethink everything you do. They reduce space in your head. If you didn’t have these little neuropath ways up there, your head would be too big for your body.

Unbeknownst to me, I began to form new pathways after I let go of so much toxicity. I began to feel good and I found I had newfound energy. I needed to burn it. I started by walking only seventeen minutes.

One day, I was upset so I reached into our pantry to eat a treat. I stopped myself and thought, “Mari, this is NOT what you need. What is it you’re really upset about right now?” I missed someone. I missed them so much. I was broken hearted. I decided to write this person a letter. I never mailed it. I just wrote everything, and sat there with all my tears. As I wrote, I felt ALL THE FEELS. I got through it. The next day I felt better. I went for my first three mile walk. It felt so good.

As I got stronger, I quit consoling myself with treats. This broke my old habits. I started making yummy nutritious meals. I found writing made me feel better.

Then I started running. At first, I ran for about fifteen minutes, but soon I was up to an hour. Then two hours. If I was mad or upset, and had that type of energy to burn, I would run.

I continued to evolve. Nutritious food felt better. Before, nutritious food wouldn’t stick to my ribs, but now it’s all I wanted.

I started rowing on the machine at my club. I got to where I could row for hours.

I changed behaviors, and they made feel better, they then reinforced other positive behaviors which built on each other. I slowly created brand new neuropath ways. These pathways are my new habits, which feel natural to me now. I can’t go a week without exercising or eating well.

These changed behaviors, habits and newly formed neuropath ways are the fundamental reasons that I lost 170 pounds. More importantly, it’s why I have NOT regained the weight.

Love and Nutrition, and Keeping Food Real
In making my nutritious food taste even better, I still used a little butter here and there. I ate toast a few times a week. I bought chocolate ice cream bars that were calorie measured and I ate those a few times a week. I made great salsas and I doused my eggs in them. I made fish tacos with corn tortillas and avocados. I ate if I was still hungry. I found that the deep empty hunger I always had went away the better I lived, and the better I ate. I made my own salad dressings, or used ones I preferred because I knew I needed the nutrition from salads and vegetables. I didn’t gain 170 pounds because of salad dressing. I ate fruits and didn’t listen to anyone that said they were high in sugar, because it was baked goods, not pears that had made my dress size a 28.

My healthy loving behaviors became my new habits and formed my brand new neuropath ways. I even developed self-soothing habits I use to deal with the hard stuff. I believe that these new pathways are why I’m a rare massive weight loss success.

STRONG and BENDY and Neuropath Ways
With my newfound understanding of habits and pathways, I decided my next step in life was to get STRONG and BENDY. I needed to continue to change the composition of my body and I wanted to age with strength and mobility. I’ve observed people get injured from bad form in weight training. So, I researched and hired the best personal female trainer I could find for my needs. I decided on Cece English at Red Dot in Willow Glen. When we met, she did a full assessment of my mobility, my strengths, my range of motion, and asked me a ton of questions while she watched me do a series of activities. My STRONG and BENDY’s clearly stated objective was appreciated by Cece, so much, that besides all of her other professional qualifications and her knowledge in injury prevention, I knew I’d found my trainer. She and I are have become quite the team.

I promised myself that I would move mountains, if I had to, but I wouldn’t miss one single scheduled session with my trainer. I knew that if I kept showing for my sessions, I would set my new neuropath ways. All events on my calendar, including work, are scheduled around my training sessions. Gotta love healthy habits!

I feel empowered by my own body. Nutrition and fitness are a staple of my life. I don’t really think too much about my routines and the foods I buy because they’re embedded in how I live.

Summary
Dieting, and feeling bad about yourself, isn’t going to work because you won’t create healthy behaviors that make make you feel more fulfilled. Maybe there’s a bigger issue that’s keeping you from the healthiest of behaviors for your life. Maybe you need to let some negative stuff go?! And I mean, LET THAT STUFF GO. Only you know what the game-changer is for you, and only you can change it.

Sticking to healthy habits and behaviors over a longer period of time, create new neuropath ways. The healthy neuropath ways will be the back bone of securing success.

You’re so totally worth it.

~Mari

I know this time of year, I should write a blog post talking about love and kindness. But the Universe has failed to fully recognize that it’s the Holiday Season over here, and recently I’ve been thrown some curve balls. Actually, it’s been a year of a few curve balls.

Reflecting on this, I thought I’d inspire you to be more UNFUCKWITHABLE. And you know that when I’m talking to you, I’m really just talking to me out loud.

First a Story
A while back ago, I had a business situation with a client from Atlanta, whose big order to us was being compromised by a supplier of his not willing to work with my engineers. My team tried all manner of reason to deal with this supplier and when it wasn’t going right, they escalated it to me. I tried everything I knew to do. Nothing worked.

I got on a flight to Atlanta, and flew in one of our engineers, Robert. We went to our client’s plant, but after our best efforts, the supplier was not cooperating. I somehow managed to get a meeting with the supplier–I won’t put in writing how–but I did. In the meeting, I decided to pay really good attention to this man. I listened to him, his word-salads and his better-than-you attitude. He was a weak person with an overblown sense of himself. He reminded me of the manipulative catty mean girls from grade school.

He seemed to have disdain for people who exhibited healthy behaviors, like my engineers. He was rude, uncooperative,  and seemed to enjoy fucking with people. I wasn’t going to take it. Not for my client. Not for our company. Not for me.

I had nothing to lose, so I called him on it. I told him he reminded me of a catty mean girl. I could see I shocked him. He’d thought he was making ground intimidating me, but he wasn’t. He was just too weak and too full of himself to get a good estimation of me.

I called this big male executive a girl.

To my engineer, Robert’s relief, the supplier immediately began cooperating, and we managed to coordinate enough to service our client. The biggest surprise of this story, is that I was immediately offered a job by the supplier’s company. I’d never want to work for weak manipulative people but it was an interesting twist to our experience.

That night at dinner, my engineer, Robert and I had a nice Scotch and we went over the situation. He was so happy with me. He said I was UNFUCKWITHABLE. I didn’t realize how much that meant to me until much later.

A few months after this happened, I was thinking about how I felt with my body. I’d been dieting, and dieting, and depriving, and depriving. I’d get on the scale and it would make me feel sad. I just kind of felt unsatisfied about this whole-body-shrinking-quest. It left me feeling weak. Weak. Weak. And weaker.

And, then I had an idea: UNFUCKWITHABLE. I needed to tell my body who the boss is. I just didn’t know how. But I came to realize this: some image of how small my body is supposed to look wasn’t going to cut it anymore. I needed to question this belief and this image. It needed to be about how I felt. I needed to flip this weak feeling, whole-body-shrinking-quest into a feeling of empowerment.

So, I did something I do well: I started paying attention.

I started looking at people who have healthy physical behaviors. People who are strong and empowered by their bodies, not weakened or shamed. I paid attention big time.

All of these people shared one thing in common: they all strength trained/lifted weights. Every one of them. They enjoy great meals, but mostly eat nutritiously as their way of life. They all limit their alcohol intake. They don’t “diet.” Not one of them. Rather they feed their bodies, fuel their workouts, and they’ve let their bodies do the process that good nutrition and strength training create for a healthy body. Some of the weight lifters also like to run and bike, but this is on top of their strength/weight training. I also noticed that they never talk about shrinking or depriving. And they’re NOT weak.

I began my research. And I came up with STRONG and BENDY. It just sounded so right to me. I found a seasoned highly educated trainer, whom I have come to have so much respect for, and we set it all up. I started out a little–or maybe extremely–intimidated, but completely willing to give it all that I’ve got. I’ve never looked back. I am absolutely in love with weights and strength training.

I feel so good about myself. I feel STRONG. And I’m stronger, if not daily, then weekly. And BENDY. My range of motion has improved so much.

A few weeks ago, our family got thrown a curve ball. A tough one. So, I upped my sessions. It’s how I now deal. It beats eating extra cupcakes. I do three weight/strength training and two HIIT sessions a week now.

I am a better help to my friends and family when I start with me. The healthier physically, and the greater my state of mind, the more of me they have.

A couple weeks ago I was feeling really sad about one of our curve balls. The Hubs came over and asked me about attending a Holiday party. I said I didn’t think we should go considering our recent curve ball. The Hubs said, “I’m taking out a sexy UNFUCKWITHABLE woman to this party. Get yourself a cocktail dress and I’ll take you out” (I like it when he talks all-commanding-sexy-guy like that). I immediately ordered a pretty pretty dress.

Heart disease has hit our family. Last week we lost a dear friend to cancer. I have two other friends currently dealing with tough cancer prognoses. And I have a lovely friend that deals with Lupus every single day. My cousin, Ruben is still in physical therapy recovering from the effects of a massive stroke. These people have taken UNFUCKWITHABLE to new heights, and I’m in awe.

I don’t know what curve balls life has in store. In the meantime, I’m not going to sit around deprived, disappointed and weak. And hungry.

If you’re beating yourself up about your weight, and the whole-body-shrinking-quest, or curve balls, I encourage you to find your UNFUCKWITHABLE. Maybe it’s Yoga. Or running trails. Or joining me to lift sexy weights. I invite you to find it.

The Holiday Party? We had the best time. Because even when life throws you a curve ball, getting all dolled up with a sexy cocktail dress, with a tall handsome escort, can make you feel empowered and UNFUCKWITHABLE.

~Mari

 

Brutal + beautiful = bru-tiful.

Here is some of my “Bru-tiful Truth”.

1. I lost a bestie-friend six years ago, and when we went to create a photo slide show for the memorial, we didn’t have a single picture of her with me. Not one. This is one of my biggest regrets. I now take pictures of me often. I’m trying to make up for lost time. I take and share lots of glorious pictures of me with friends and family, or just of me. No one that really knows my story projects any negative feelings about my photos. My transformation is a mind bender for me, something that sometimes still feels surreal, and somehow, these photos help me to mentally process how much I’ve transformed and who I am now.

2. If by sharing this, I can help others to raise awareness for the pain and suffering other girls go through, then maybe it’s worth all the scary feelings I’m having as I hit the “post” button on my blog.

Here we go…

I grew up in a highly abusive home. I knew that one of the adults in my home wished I didn’t exist at all, as in it would have been better if I hadn’t been born. I was barely in kindergarten but I was extremely sensitive to that then, and I’ve remained extremely sensitive for all of my life. I sensed it. I felt it. It was palpable. My childhood was filled with regular physical abuse as well as being told almost daily how horrible and unworthy I was. The words used were, for the most part, screamed at me in profanities attacking me and my value and calling me all sorts of sexually illicit names. I remember this from age 4 until I left. Many times, I didn’t know exactly what these sexual words were and my siblings and I would have to figure them out. I would feel shame and degradation. I think of the two types of abuses, the screaming by destruction and shaming of my esteem was the worse.

Since I can remember, I mothered and nurtured my siblings, a role I would have with them for most of my life. One day, when I was about nine years old, five Sheriff cars showed up at our home to take all five of us (my four siblings and me) away–and save us. Five neighbors had called them because our beating that day had been so terrible, and public, many neighbors heard it and called the county Sheriff. We lied to the Sheriffs–no one had ever told us to do that, it was pure reaction to fear on all of our parts–and we minimized the horrible beatings we’d just experienced, fearing being separated from each other. And as described in Stockholm Syndrome papers, we were worried about what would happen to our abuser. The Sheriffs interviewed us and reluctantly left. Things were okay for a while, but abusers always go back to their patterns. I left home before my 15th birthday because it was killing my soul to live there.

I credit my heroes for keeping me in some semblance of sanity through the days of my childhood, my beautiful altruistic school teachers. They often made me their favorite student, maybe because they knew I needed it, maybe because I was also smart and sweet, and because they recognized a quality in me that I felt no one else did. One day, God also sent us the most amazing Christian youth group. These beautiful ministers and their wives took us under their wing and loved us hard through our tween and teen years. They taught us values, kept us busy and made us feel so special and worthy. I learned from these loving generous Christian people, and my teachers, that my life could have more meaning, and that it could be gentle and kind. It gave me hope. I’ve been the loving non-abusive mother to my children for all of their lives, partly because of these beautiful souls. And because as I was growing up, after every time I was hurt and abused, I would promise myself that I would never ever be like my abusers. And I’m not.

It’s become important for me to share this hard part of my life, because it’s part of telling the truth of my story. And two, because maybe when you see that “big girl” seated next to you on the airplane, that maybe you can skip judging her, and realize that maybe she has a story. Maybe you don’t know the pain she’s been through. And maybe you can just connect, at a human level.

We can’t save people, they have to save themselves, but one of the most healing and loving things we can do is connect.

And if you’re the “big girl” or the “drinking too much girl”, or you’re the “doing drugs girl” or you’re the “NOT eating girl” and life is out of control and you feel you just want to disconnect and numb from life and others because it’s so painful: Girl, you’ve got a story. You can do this. You got this. Really, you do. You have it all inside you already, enough to deal with it. God made you with all of it. Your work is to find it. And maybe you need to find the support people that have some maps to help you navigate your way back to you. Maybe you have to un-become and un-learn some things to be what you were meant to become–YOU. You, in all your perfect imperfectness, beautifully messy and healthy and well. You are so worth it.

3. I still feel like I’m lying when I’m in a clothing store and ask for my jeans in a size 10. I feel like a total imposter when I try them on, and I then ask for a size 8. I still expect someone to say, “You’re cray-cray, girl! Get out of here, we don’t carry your real size.”

4. This happened a lot for a while, and now it only happens infrequently: when I’m walking down a street, thinking my own thoughts and I suddenly see myself in the reflection of store windows. It still surprises me, that that’s me. Really. Really. Surprises me. This part has been something I’ve had to process. Sometimes I just stand there and stare.

5. Losing the weight and changing my life was about two things for me: self-care and healthy behaviors. Over five years ago, doing these two actions became the priority of my life. If I wasn’t sure about something I would review it against whether it was self-care or a healthy behavior. That alone nixed crazy fad diets, because they’re just crazy behaviors. There’s a point about six months into it that I realized that I was gaining newfound respect for myself. For the first time in my entire life, I respected myself by myself. Not because another person did, but simply because I felt good about me.

6. I was really really mad shortly after the beginning of my transformation. I was especially mad at a guy friend. I didn’t know how to deal with so much anger, but I knew my anger had powerful energy. One day, after I’d already lost about twenty-five pounds, I took all my anger to the treadmill at my gym. I ran for two hours, until I felt better and I wasn’t mad. Imagine me about 150 more pounds heavier than I am today, running for two hours. I was practicing taking the HIGH ROAD about my upset so I ran everyday that I was mad at my friend, which was almost daily. One day, after about a year of this, this friend showed up at my house while I was making Sunday breakfast. We talked, and talked, and talked. He stayed for dinner. It wasn’t lost on me how hard it must have been for him to show up and talk to me. We made things right. And over time, we got back to being friends again. The funny thing is after we made up, I didn’t know how to run without my anger at this dude. I had to find my way with this. Now, anytime I feel mad or upset, I know to get my running shoes on, and take that anger for a big ole run.

I learned how to channel the power of anger, and I also learned that love and friendship can be rebuilt, even when we thought that would be the most unlikely thing.

7. People sometimes cry or get the the chills on their arms when I tell them how much weight I’ve lost. It still surprises me. I’ve run into people that hadn’t seen me in a while, and even after I said hi, they didn’t recognize me. One man, Mark, whom I’ve known for about twenty-five years, and his wife, absolutely didn’t recognize me until I said, “Mark, it’s me, Mari.” The look of shock. Wow! It’s a mind bender for other people too.

8. I feel that people are more accepting of a drug addict or an alcoholic, than they are of a “fat woman.” The reverse also seems true to me, from my experience: people are more praising of someone that’s lost a lot of weight than they are of someone that’s in recovery working hard, daily, to overcome drug addiction, or alcoholism.

The gift of sobriety, and the gift of health are equally amazing. Overcoming these crippling diseases, through hard work in recovery, makes us all superheroes.

9. When I hit what I call my rock bottom, I was in so much pain and so disconnected from my real life. Changing what I did, how I did it, and what I believed about myself took a huge act of courage. I refused to have a batch of brownies, or a cupcake to numb the hurt. Broiled fish and steamed zucchini didn’t numb a thing. I learned to sit with pain and learn from it. Pain is a great teacher, if you can see your way through it without a glass of wine or a cupcake. I learned many things from pain but it’s greatest teaching to me was deep-seated empathy, and compassion for others in pain. I’m embarrassed to admit that for all my life’s extensive spiritual studies, I lacked empathy and compassion, and this lacking kept me so disconnected.

10. Jealousy: for all the crazy wiring and emotions I have, jealousy is not something I experience. I’ve experienced serious jealousy only once in my life, and that was as a child when I knew a little girl that was just like me, who had the exact name as me but she lived with loving, supportive and kind parents. Even now, I’m not even sure that was jealousy or serious longing. As I’ve lost weight, I’ve encountered some jealous reactions. I actually lost a friendship with a friend that wanted to lose about 125 pounds. She couldn’t tolerate the attention I was getting for my healthy changes, that she wasn’t changing for herself. We drifted apart.

About a year and a half ago, a bestie girlfriend called me and vulnerably and honestly told me she had felt jealous when she’d run into me at a mall because she felt I looked so good. You’d have to know this girlfriend to understand how surprising this was to me because she’s lost a lot of weight herself, she’s blonde and attractive, smart and kind. We stayed with the conversation to see what we could uncover about this for us. And I came to one of my biggest realizations.

The jealousy my friend had, had nothing to do with me. I was simply a trigger. My friend felt that she wasn’t doing her own work, caring for her business by doing something she wanted: to lose another ten pounds. She lost those ten pounds and has been happily rocking her body since. I consider her one of my sweetest friends.

I realized that when someone doesn’t feel they “have game” by their standards, they can be triggered by someone that does. So dealing with jealousy is easy, and it can be dealt with lovingly: it requires having our own game on. Unless there are personality disorders involved, it’s that easy to fix.

As women we deal with plenty, and we need one another to inspire and build each other other up. We rise by raising others up.

Love,
Mari

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Stress and the Toxic

I know most people want to know what diet and exercise I did to lose weight, but what I did to begin to lose weight was to walk away from what hurt me, from what made me miserable.

The irony about how I lost weight is that it began by taking care of my own soul first. Not how I lost weight and then felt good about myself.

It is very stress inducing to be in relationships with people that don’t have our best interest at heart, with those that hurt us. Our bodies are not made to be healthy when we remain in these conditions for too long. Cortisol/hormones, adrenals, and organs cease to work well under stress that lasts for too long.

Our bodies can withstand stress for bursts of time, then we need to recover and reboot. Just like weight lifting. We lift heavy weights, stress out and break down tissue fiber. The recovery is just as important to rebuilding tissue fibers and making our muscles strong. We can’t remain in chronic stress, and expect things to get better, especially our physical health and our soul.

If you’re trying to heal your body, as in major weight loss or health betterment, you’re going to be fighting an uphill battle if you don’t change your conditions and your environment, if it’s toxic.

My family and I made a conscious decision to walk away from a tribe (I’m not an Indian, but we’ll call the community I was a part of a tribe.). The tribe had become too toxic for us. Although we looked somewhat okay on the outside—if you feel needing to lose over 150 pounds looking okay on the outside—I was miserable.

When we first walked away, I found myself unraveling. I went to my husband, Jon, needing wisdom and support. He said, “Mari, if you could do anything you want in order to make yourself happy, what would you do?” With tears streaming down my face, and without hesitation, I answered, “I would get healthy by losing weight.”

Jon told me to go do THAT. Note: the pictures I used for this blog posting of Jon and me were used to pay homage to this exact conversation and gratitude for all of Jon’s wisdom and support. You can see my physical transformation, but I hope you can also see the love before and after.

Stepping Away from Toxic, Means NOT Engaging with Crazy

In our next discussions, Jon and I decided that we would ‘Be the change we want to see.’ We both agreed we would live well, we would concentrate on our family, our dear friends, and our software company; we were definite about taking the ‘High Road’ and not engaging in any toxic behavior so that we could use all our energy to focus on our blessings, our weight loss and fitness goals.

We simply refused to engage in any vitriol, this included not engaging enough to bother to defend ourselves. We ignored all of the small mindedness of it and we moved on in the biggest way.

Though tough at times, ignoring toxic behaviors was more empowering than I could have ever imagined. I consider that my ignoring-utterly-skills are now part of my super-girl powers. Ka-Pow!

Toxic crazy people will try to play games to get you to engage. They’ll try to hurt you by trying to cut other people off from you. They’ll try to have people unfriend/unfollow you on social media. If you can take it, don’t stop them. Stopping them stops their karma-tic consequences. What people put out, they get back. Let them have their consequences so that maybe they too can gain personal awareness of how much work they need to do on themselves.

And besides, the juxtaposition of their vitriol for you next to your when-they-go-low-we-take-the-high-road attitude makes people take full notice of behaviors. Don’t ever doubt that. Sensible people want to be where the healthy behaviors are. They may get caught up in it at first but they’ll eventually connect the dots.

Keep your human decency and don’t play power-tripping games, especially with the cray-cray.

Toxic People Will Test Your Greatness

Your love, your sense of compassion and you ability to forgive will be challenged by toxic people. Consider it a test. I’d bet money they are hurting worse than any of us. They suffer every day and they are miserable. They are often addicted to drama, and in some cases substances or are under the influence of some other person. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, or the need to step out of their lives.

Keep in mind that redemption happens for different people at different stages. Never give up your hope or prayers for their suffering to end too. I’m always willing to accept any grace and love extended to me. We don’t have to go back to the relationship we once had but we can always accept love.

Get an A+ on your test for greatness.

Because: love. Love. Love. Love.

My Highest Good, My Best Interest

When I walked away from the toxic tribe, it was the first time in my entire life, that I quit letting people hurt me. I quit hurting myself. How I felt about myself took a dramatic turn. I started to have compassion and care for myself.

Soon I began thinking with what was the highest good, or in my best interest. Would eating two cupcakes be my highest good, or in my best interest? Would sleeping nine or more hours after running for an hour be in my best interest? Would missing a gym workout be my highest good? Was my new friend in my highest good?

I found healthy behaviors made me feel great about myself, and I kept doing more of them.

I slowly began to implement boundaries for behaviors that I would and wouldn’t accept. Red flags became deal breakers.

Happiness and Unhappiness is Transient

By practicing self-care and self-soothing, I began to see that happiness and unhappiness are transient emotions. These emotions and thoughts come and go like clouds. I needed to accept that unhappiness; rejection and disappointment are all part of living.

Eating two cupcakes when I did was a way to dull the unpleasant moments in my life. When I felt a little anxious: make a batch of brownies. When I found out I didn’t get the order I was expecting: a nice big dinner out would make the disappointment easier to swallow. If I felt a little unsure of myself: I would find a people pleasing thing to do that would give me some kind of praise and reassurance that I’m still worthy.

Now when I feel a little anxious, I look to see where it’s coming from. I take it in. I sit with it (sometimes this is still hard), and I let it pass. If it doesn’t pass quickly, I talk about it with someone I trust. I exercise or I do something that is healthy or good for me. If I feel rejected, I first see if that’s really true. In most cases it isn’t, it’s usually some story I’m telling myself about another person. I still sit with it. I don’t go looking for something to eat in the fridge.

I’m not perfect at this self-soothing, and self-care. However, by practicing it enough these past five years, I’ve become so strong. I feel this brave super-girl from deep within me. I know I’m strong enough to get through emotional pain without self-numbing.

I still love to do things to make people happy. But I do them just for love. I don’t do them because I feel empty or lacking, or to feel worthy.

Being kind and loving has never felt more genuine to me because I don’t expect anything to heal me from it. I just enjoy it.

The Most Remarkable People Came Into My Life

What was almost magical about dealing with myself, dealing with my own issues, is that once I began the journey of self-care, it’s almost as if the resources and people I needed found ME.

I soon began to make friends with others that were also trying to live in their highest good. The most remarkable people came into our lives. I know God sent them to us to enrich our lives, and because it was time.

I’m certain that God and the Universe have me covered—when I do my needed work. I simply go in the direction of my highest good, and VIOLA!

And when I don’t…I get…lessons. *sigh*

“If you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another.” ~Buddha

Buddha understood that the path to never hurting another was to love our own selves. Toxic people have a hard time loving themselves. They usually have self-contempt, even though their selfish behavior can make us think otherwise. What they project onto us is really how they feel about themselves. My prayer is that they too are awakened and that they find their own self compassion. This world needs peace from every single one of us.

Disconnected, Lacking and Empty

Our needed transformations are not all about losing weight. Some of us have different issues. Some drink too much. Some numb by not eating. Others need to work on relationships. Some feel disconnected, lacking and empty, and in deep vast voids.

Buying a new car, getting a bigger house, going on a month long vacation, or having our child win at the science fair is not how we will fill our deep void. It will only put a Band-Aid on a deep wound. Nothing wrong with a nice car, a fancy house or a big long trip to Europe but they won’t fill the emptiness. The trip will end, the house will become part of your norm, and the car will get a scratch: and the emptiness only left for a little bit.

After about half a dozen surgeries, I have found that wounds heal from the inside. When they have healed well from the inside, the outside then looks so much better.

Filling the deep vast emptiness and our sense of lacking can only be healed as an inside job.

The Greatest Compliment—Ever

After massive weight loss, I’ve been given many compliments. Compliments about how I look/beauty, my strength, my will power, my commitment, my focus, and even how badass I must be.

I have to say that the most fulfilling compliment I receive is when I’ve inspired someone to change their own lives for their highest good.

Wow!

All other compliments feed my ego (my ego and I appreciate them, don’t stop), but inspiring someone, feeds my soul. It’s made me realize that my experiences with this life-changing transformation are something to share, even if I have to give up some of my well-guarded vulnerability.

How have you dealt with toxic situations? Have you ever made a life changing transformation?

~Mari

STRONG and BENDY
I lost 165 pounds over several years. And then, nothing. I varied diets, tried new versions of low carb and low calorie. I couldn’t move the scale (my toxic lover) without extreme dieting. As we know, you can’t maintain “extreme” anything. Extreme dieting usually has backwards results, in that most people gain back the weight lost and then some. Not an option for me.

I reassessed my situation: my success thus far, how to sustain my progress and not regain any weight, I reviewed the statistics of how others who’ve lost massive amount of weight have faired–percentage wise, not good because they mostly stopped evolving. I considered my business requirements and travel, my new goals, what I need to support my family, and even what kind of vacation adventures we want.

 

I determined that now, having just turned 50, and with the full life I have, I want to become “STRONG and BENDY.”

I know I’m still a work-in-progress, but I wanted something else now, not necessarily to be thin as defined by society. I want to be something that makes ME happy, that gives me something more than what I see in the mirror. I want to age gracefully, with strength and agility. I want to remain a force in my own life, mentally and physically.

 

Strong. Bendy. Fit. Flexible. Formidable. Badass. Sexy.

 

Fit and flexible enough to reach down and pick up big bags of mulch and work in my garden. Mentally and physically able to handle the demands of our software company and the travel that comes with it, including long arduous conventions. And one day, flexible and strong enough to throw some grand babies up in the air and hear them squeal with laughter. Fit enough to keep up with my 12 year old son – or to his dismay, surpass his energy. Badass enough to skateboard, or ride a dirt bike, and know that my physical equilibrium can support the dynamic forces that require balance and endurance. I love bounding energetically through my daily life and hope to continue to do so through my 50’s, into my 60’s and beyond.

 

Giving this new goal of mine a descriptive and well-stated name–STRONG and BENDY–has turned into the best next chapter.

Since putting together my new goals, I have found a trainer, Catherine (Cece) English and a studio, Red Dot Fitness. I interviewed many trainers and I knew Cece would be perfect for me. I was impressed with Cece’s althletic education and experience, and just as important, she totally got me. She understood what I wanted and why. We’ve become a wonderful team. I am well on my way to lifting heavy weights. Cece is training me in such a way that I am becoming “strong and bendy” in a rewarding time frame.

I’m madly, head-over-heals in love with big heavy weights. Each time Cece puts the bar out and we add the weights, I get so excited. I like when we do bench work with free weights. When she increases my load, I call it “graduating”.  I think kettle bells are my new lovers. Love. Love. Love kettle bells and swinging them, and catching them mid air to switch hands. They make me feel so badass! I am all about the kettle bells. Where have all these big sexy weights been all my life?!

 

Cece and I have so much fun in my training sessions, though I’m dripping and projectile sweating , I require big breaths at times, and long swigs of water. The weights may be sexy to me, but THIS. IS. HARD. WORK. Cece often reminds me, as she’s pushing me to do (assisted) chin-ups (3 sets of 10 – yikes!), that I’m getting ‘strong’. She points out how my shoulders, back and my arms are building “strength.” When she has me do medicine ball (those balls are heavy) tosses from one side to another, or up and down, or below and then around, or works me with tubes/bands/cables, she reminds me how “bendy” I’m becoming. She educates me on how vital range of motion is to my being ‘bendy’. My range of motion and my overall strength are improving with each workout. I now appreciate how range of motion is improving my strength, it’s intrinsic in supporting it.

My trainer and I being on the same page makes for a symbiotic experience. I feel this is helping me remain focused, and have greater success with my training. I strongly recommend getting a professional trainer for this level of undertaking.

Dieting, though extremely necessary for someone who had the pounds to lose I had, at times left me feeling a bit weak. In contrast, training with big heavy weights, makes me feel empowered. I now eat to train, and that’s such a great mental shift for me. If by lifting weights and eating clean, I eventually lose more weight, or remain the same weight but get smaller in size, then that will be fabulous. If not, my life will be just as beautiful at this size with all my curves, and my new strong muscles–with The Hubs happy as can be about me (if you know what I mean 😜).

I don’t feel guilty when I eat clean and lift weights. I’m constantly figuring out my next clean, balanced meal. Fruit and great fats/oils are my welcomed friends. I eat mostly WHOLE 30 ish. Sugar and flour make rare appearances at my meals but when they do, I make sure they’re yummy and worth it. I must admit, I need to reduce my cheat/celebratory days, and focus more on my “eat to train”. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day happened, and camping with the familia and road trips…and friends over for dinner, and out with friends to dinner, and daughter time, and dates with Jon~Jon… Working on it.

Feeling strong and bendy aren’t the only benefits: the endorphins post-training are worth the price of admission for this 50 year old female who feels more like a 17 year old after training. I drive home with the windows rolled down and music blasting as though I were that age again. Gotta love classic rock! I feel happy almost all of the time since I began my training.

 

If there’s something you want to ‘get your game on’ for yourself, and you aren’t working on whatever your version of “Strong and Bendy” is for YOU, decide what you want and join me. Give it a good enough name, and go for it! Share with all of us: the good and the bad. Let us support you, too. We can do this together. Don’t you think that’s even more powerful than just me getting “strong and bendy” by myself?

WHY DIDN’T I CHANGE THINGS EARLIER?!

 

I often ask myself this question. One of the biggest things I wish I’d been able to change are some of the toxic situations I’ve found myself in, at different times in my life, much sooner. The short answer: I wasn’t educated enough about toxic behavior to identify the red flags early. In these situations, I always thought there was something seriously wrong with ME. I’ve researched this subject enough so that I feel confident I can understand and identify the behaviors much earlier.

 

Since I’ve mentioned stepping away from toxic situations as part of my weight loss journey, I’ve received countless messages and communications asking me to write about my experiences. It still surprises me that people are so interested in talking to me about this type of pain and hurt.

 

I’m also frequently asked what the game-changer was in my (healing) massive weight loss. What was the catalyst that started my transformation? This blog post is my answer.

 

Five years ago, I walked away from an engulfing toxic situation, that was slowly killing my soul. I tried to tell myself everything was ok but I see now how M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E I really was. Walking away from it, and the behaviors that went with it, freed me. I suddenly had an abundant amount of drive to improve my life, in so many aspects, and I was unstoppable. I started to feel so much better about myself. In the unraveling of the toxic situation, I found my inner strength, and discovered how resilient I can be. Somewhere in there I started to feel personal pride, and before I knew it, I was practicing self-care, which became self-acceptance, which made me happy. I am so much healthier physically too.

 

Oh, and I went from wearing size 28 to size 8/10 jeans.

 

I’ve never in my life been happier or healthier!

 

BEHAVIORS, RED FLAGS

(I understand the behaviors I’m writing about have so many labels, and fall on a spectrum. For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to these disorders, or whatever they are, as ‘toxic people’ throughout this article.)

 

I’m not a mental health expert. This is only my experience, what I’ve done, how I’ve dealt.

 

These are some of the red flags with toxic people. They usually have many of these traits but not all:

• It’s ALL about them, extremely selfish
• Arrogance, big ego
• They lack empathy, and don’t consider what’s going on with others
• No one can stand up to a toxic person, or call them on their behavior–they’ll discard or there’ll be retribution
• Nothing is really ever their fault, excellent at displacing blame to another
• Extremely controlling, their way or the highway
• Manipulative
• They don’t recognize boundaries, disrespectful
• Lots of drama
• They actually feed off of the goodness and love of others
• In the case of a narcissist: they idealize, devalue and discard
• Love bombing to win you initially
• In need of constant admiration, not giving it to them properly is cause for discard or retribution
• Sometimes extremely charming
• They have a short shelf life as friends
• They don’t have real meaningful friendships
• Extremely jealous and envious
• Capricious
• They demand unquestionable loyalty, but don’t actually give it in return
• Low self-awareness
• They don’t know how to love

 

Whenever I’ve stood up to a toxic person, or refused to enable what a toxic person wants–which is usually crazy or hurtful–the toxic person has lashed out. When I still didn’t do what they wanted, they’ve pitted friends and/or family against me. They’ve surprised me at how easily they can discard and defame.

 

I make it a point to never do the bidding of toxic people–any kind of bidding, even lessening my love or connection for the toxic person’s (perceived) enemy. Ever. I’ve been sent requests to unfriend people on Facebook, to not include someone for a celebration, to not give my attention and to cease giving love to someone. I feel these requests attempt to reduce my infinite and unconditional love, and my deep-seated humanity. So, no matter how much I love the requester, and understand their hurt, I never comply with these requests. Even when dear family has had break ups with partners, I never unfriend, de-friend, or lessen my love for either party. I don’t allow myself to be manipulated this way. I don’t think for a moment, someone asking me to lessen my love, support or admiration for someone else or to do something hurtful, isn’t manipulative behavior. It is.

 

People that do the bidding for toxic people are called ‘flying monkeys’–taken from the movie, The Wizard of Oz. Usually, a flying monkey doesn’t have both sides of the story, and simply acts on behalf of a toxic person, without thinking for themselves, to put the hurt on. Sometimes they do have both sides and they are still willing. Flying monkeys are enablers.

 

I, unfortunately, have to admit that I’ve behaved like a flying monkey. When I’ve realized this, I found the person and I apologized. One person I had to apologize to is now a very dear friend to me, and I’m so lucky she understood and forgave me. I love this lady so much. I’m glad I found the courage to talk to her.

 

In the past five years I’ve had a few of flying monkeys attempt to hurt me. One couple, when they realized their error, came and apologized to me. I totally understood. We are super close besties now. I’m so grateful for the apology, and the friendship.

 

The other person that behaved like a flying monkey was by best friend of 30 years. After this friend took acts against me, she couldn’t look at me the few times I ran into her. She looked as if she was in horrible pain every time I saw her, and couldn’t look me in the eye. One day, following one of these encounters, I showed up at her house to tell her how much I loved her, and that she didn’t have to be ashamed every time she saw me. All she could do was look at me with her beautiful blue eyes, and all her love, and sadly ask that I “forgive her ill behavior.” She followed up with a private message thanking me for forgiving her. She’s still in the toxic environment, with a really toxic person, so we can’t have the relationship we once had. I love my old friend so very much and I miss her every day. There is so much of my life that has turned beautiful, and I’ve wished so many times I could share my joy with her. She would have been the first person shopping with me when I bought my first pair of fabulous jeans.

 

Stepping away from a toxic situation is difficult but not nearly as painful and personally destructive as remaining in one.

 

Even though people that behave like ‘flying monkeys’ can eventually see their mistakes and apologize, toxic people can NOT own up to their behavior. Sincere apologies require courage toxic people do not have. Remember this: they can NOT take responsibility for the havoc they create. They are experts at twisting hostile situations they created, into ones where they are the victim. They create fantasies of how others wronged them, and they displace blame. I’ve seen it time and time again. It’s just part of the behavior. Because they are suffering so very much, and can NOT experience the vulnerability it would take to accept responsibility. They can NOT be wrong. That’s why it’s almost impossible to really clear things up with a toxic person. I realize that I can’t reason with crazy.

 

Toxic behavior is a chronic pattern. It is never a rare upset with a good hearted person, nor is it “rough patch.” There are extreme exceptions, but usually toxic behavior is a pattern I’ve been able to follow and see: drama, shaming, vitriol, threats, domination, forceful control, etc.

 

If alcohol, drugs or other psychological influences are involved, it makes them worse than toxic, it makes them radioactive.

 

Toxic people that are alcoholics (or are heavy drinkers), do drugs, or have serious psychological influences bearing upon them, are usually spinning out of control with many of their relationships. In these states people can sometimes become paranoid, and can be very nasty, controlling, and manipulative.

 

COMPASSION

 

I didn’t think I could ever have understanding or compassion for toxic people until I read some books and lots of articles which gave me insight into the cause of these behaviors and how to deal with them.

 

A major take away: a toxic person = a suffering person. Always.

 

Nothing toxic people do–no matter how hurtful they try to be–is personal. Not. Personal. At. All. Because: suffering. The suffering and emotional pain are so much that the toxic person lashes out.

 

I’ve had to step away from toxic people to protect our family and myself. I never cut anyone off entirely, as I believe that’s inhumane and not possible since we’re all connected in this universe. I make it possible to have love flow through any channel in any direction. However, toxic people don’t recognize boundaries, so I’ve had to impose them.

 

If a toxic person has been in my life as a family member or friend, I probably love them a lot, and the decision to step away was not easy. I concentrate on loving them–a lot–from afar. And if I see them, I’m sincerely sweet and loving to them.

 

I’ve come to realize that I can’t save people, but I can still love them.

 

THE HIGH ROAD IS THE ONLY ROAD

 

I don’t engage in crazy. I learned a long time ago that I can’t talk to crazy toxic people about their behavior.

 

The only road out of toxic relationships is the high road. Really. I’ve had to put my emotional big girl underpants on a few times and be a brave strong girl, and NOT ENGAGE at all. This. Was. Hard. Really, really hard. Toxic people bait. They vilify. They attempt to suck the loveliness out of you. They’ve said things that are so wrong about me. They’ve twisted my kind acts and intentions to them or others into something bad. They’ve tried to to make me feel bad for being me.

 

Still, I don’t engage. I don’t drown in their suffering. Don’t sink down to that level. So, I take the high road.

 

Taking the high road: not getting others involved in taking sides, or in gathering sympathy, not becoming a drama queen myself about the upsets, or just ignoring it utterly (the best option) requires a certain discipline that comes from practice. Easier said than done. It’s very hard to do because sometimes I find the behavior of toxic people upsets me, and it gets to me. I have an urge to let them have it. Toxic people need drama, and want to entangle me in it, so me letting them have it, or engaging, just feeds it more. Taking the high road requires practice. Practice. Practice. The more I take the high road, the better I get at being a good person, and keeping my life on track.

 

DRINKING POISON AND EXPECTING AN ENEMY TO DIE

 

There’s an Eastern saying that I’ve come to appreciate: vitriolic behavior is “like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”

 

Toxic people consume vitriol, and attempt to serve it to others, expecting their (perceived) enemy will die. And sometimes they even drink copious amounts of alcohol, do drugs, or practice some sort of zealotry with that in mind. Their low self-awareness prevents them from recognizing they’re the ones drinking the poison.

 

Truth is that people aren’t our enemies, not really. The behavior of delusion, ignorance and greed are–and these make up so much of the suffering.

 

IT’S NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME

 

I don’t believe every thought that goes through my head. And if I don’t believe some of my own, then I’m definitely not going to concern myself with what someone else thinks of me, or projects onto me. What people are thinking, or may be thinking, doesn’t concern me. Truth is that not that many people actually care about what I’m thinking or feeling. But a lot of people care about how I behave. And that’s why I have to remain on my side of the street, and take care of my issues and my business.
Seriously, I can’t concern myself with what crazy toxic people think. They think crazy toxic thoughts.

 

I’ve had to look back and reflect at why I stayed longer than I should’ve in certain toxic relationships. I’ve had to be honest with myself about what I was getting from the toxic relationship, and ask myself what were my attachments. Was it attention, identity, approval, to feel worthy, validation, crazy excitement, a sense of belonging, etc? In one friendship I had with a woman I had adored, I wanted to feel accepted by her. The friendship was actually stifling. It wasn’t until years later that I realized she was a fake with her love-bombing. My own sense of self worth was so low at the time, that I felt that if she accepted me, and gave me her attention and admiration, then I would really matter.

 

AND, YEP, THEY WILL SMEAR AND…

 

Standing up to a toxic person is tantamount to starting a war (in their heads). Toxic people can’t tolerate being stood up to. You can’t call them on their behavior, like ever. They can’t deal at that level. Even if it’s documented proof. They have melt downs and it triggers horrible things with them, and they take actions that seem incredulous to sane people. I expect real friends call me out on issues, it’s how we help each other. But toxic people can’t be called out. Like, ever.

 

I’ve noticed that once I’ve called the toxic person on their behavior, or don’t support the toxic person, they will try to turn people against me by smearing me. Yep. They do. What can I do? Nada. Nothing. I trust that just like I see the toxic behavior, others will too, eventually. In many cases, immediately.

 

Even with my bubbly personality and my great sense of humor ;), toxic people will smear me. I’ve come to understand that I’m not THAT special to be spared this behavior, even though I make a really yummy jam, and I remembered their birthday. It doesn’t matter how sweet, kind or thoughtful I’ve ever been, they WILL smear me once I stand up to them. Always.

 

They have. They do. That’s how they roll.

 

I just had to get over myself.

 

Since it’s none of my business what people think about me, I have to stay on my side of the street, and get busy with my own issues and my life.

 

I got wind of something being said about me recently by someone from my past. Nope, I didn’t contact anyone. I didn’t “clear things up.” Instead, I lost another ten pounds, and had a bunch of fun dates with friends and family.

 

That’s what I do. That’s how I roll.

 

TOXIC PEOPLE AND DOUBLESPEAK

 

If you remember George Orwell’s 1984, he uses the term “doublespeak”: toxic people use doublespeak in order to drive wedges between people. They say things such as, “Supporting me (in my toxic behavior) against so-and-so is supporting ‘The Cause’, ‘The Group’, ‘The Family’, ‘The Friendship’, etc. They’ll ask, “Where are your loyalties?!”

 

It’s some of the most manipulative and controlling behavior I’ve ever seen.
In truth, supporting toxic behavior and the driving of wedges does exactly the opposite: it destroys groups, causes, families, friendships.

 

Toxic people can sound so passionate and romantic in their destruction, and delusion.

 

Doublespeak is a trick of the toxic to confuse loyal people.

 

LIVE IN UNAPOLOGETIC JOY

 

It’s still hard for me when I have to deal with toxic situations–not fun, not easy. These behaviors serve to remind me the blessings of the joyful people in my life. I find focusing on the love and goodness of family and real friends to be most healing.
My biggest piece of advice is to never let anyone steal your joy. Live in unapologetic joy, and share it with the world!

 

In my life I have loving intelligent close family and friends that love me and support me, and it’s mutual, but that’s all I want from them. I’ve come to realize that no one can give me confidence. People can be praising but they can’t give me validation and self worth–or even make me feel beautiful. No one can give me a sense of belonging. I can’t get courage and strength from anyone else. It’s ALL an inside job. The great side of that is that no one can take away my self worth, my confidence, my value nor my innate goodness and deep-seated humanity. No one. Because: inside job.

 

Love,
Mari